Open your eyes - Doctor Who fic

Finally finished my post-regeneration fic...

Title: Open your eyes
Rating: PG (I guess)
Spoilers: for entire new series
Archive: Yes, but please tell me where it's going.
Summary: Rose is having trouble dealing with the regeneration

Many thanks to my wonderful betas purple_shoes, __kali__ and colourful_muse

x-posted to time_and_chips, dwfiction and new_who
___

Rose sat in her bed, her knees pulled up in front of her, and stared blankly at the wall.

She had no idea how long she’d been there. Several hours, she guessed: long frustrating hours, trying to remember, trying to force her mind into showing her what had happened back on Satellite 5. But no matter how hard she concentrated, how hard she strained her mind, the memories remained out of reach.

Time and space had never seemed so lonely to her, so vast and unfriendly. He’d always been with her, before. No matter how bad things had been or how low she’d felt. Even the day she’d seen her father die, when she’d sat alone in her room for all those hours, she’d always known that when she decided to go back out the Doctor would be there for her. Ready to comfort her or to lighten her mood with some silly idea or just the warm smile she loved so much. But now the man in the TARDIS control room was a stranger, and Rose felt more alone than she’d ever felt in here life.

She opened her fists and stared at her palms. What if this was all her fault? What if she’d done something wrong? No. She clenched her fists again, trying to shake the sinking feeling that was forming in the pit of her stomach. No – it must have been the Daleks. They’d done this to him. But there’d been that light; she still remembered that, the light from the heart of the TARDIS, and the Doctor had said something about the Time Vortex, just before-

Rose gritted her teeth.

A knock at the door tore her out of her thoughts. She hugged her knees tighter. She wasn’t in the mood for talking. If she waited long enough he might just go away, like the last four times.

There was another knock, louder this time. “Rose. I know you’re in there. I need to talk to you.”

Rose slid off the bed with a sigh. If the Doctor was one thing, he was persistent. She pushed the button to unlock the door, and it opened with a hiss, allowing him to enter. Rose backed up a few steps, not quite looking up. She stuffed her hands into the back pockets of her jeans and waited. But the Doctor just stood there, a few steps into her room, not saying a word.

“You wanted to talk to me,” she finally said to break the awkward silence.

“Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “I just wanted to see if you were okay.”

“I’m fine,” Rose answered, forcing her voice to remain even.

The Doctor didn’t look convinced. “I know you, Rose. You’ve not been hiding in here for the last seven hours because you’re fine.”

“I’m not hiding,” Rose said defensively. “It’s just - I just need a little time on my own.”

The Doctor stepped closer. “I know how hard this must be for you, Rose.”

She flinched as he said her name. The voice was so - different. This was not her Doctor. It was all wrong – not just the voice, but the way he stood, the way the oversized jacket hung on his shoulders, his narrow face, his pointed nose, his eyes-

Rose swallowed hard. Falling apart in front of him was the last thing she wanted now.
She could be strong. “Why didn’t you tell me?” she finally asked.

The Doctor didn’t answer. He walked over the wooden book shelf and picked up the small glass swan he’d given her during their trip to 15th Century Venice. He turned it back and forth in his hand, lost in thought. Then he put it back down and turned to Rose. “I’m sorry that I have to put you through all this. But it’s something I cannot change. It’s part of who I am – what I am. It may take some time, to get used to it. That’s normal. The human brain just isn’t equipped to deal with this process.”

“Don’t do that!” The sudden fury in her own voice surprised Rose. But it felt good at the same time, to finally let it out, and as she spoke all the anger and confusion she’d bottled up started pouring out of her. “You should have told me,” she continued heatedly. “You had plenty of chances, and you didn’t do it. You owed me that much, after all we’ve been through together. You could have prepared me for this. Instead you’re cracking stupid jokes about Barcelona and dogs with no noses, and it’s my fault because I’m just a stupid little human with a stupid little brain who can’t deal with you just turning into complete stranger right in front of my eyes.” She dook a deep breath. “I don’t know who you are anymore.”

She stopped. Her last sentence hung in the air.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean-” Suddenly uncomfortable, Rose turned her back on the Doctor, walked over to her bed and sat down on it.

“Would you rather have had me die?”

There was an edge in the Doctor’s voice that forced Rose to turn and look at him. He was staring straight at her, stone-faced, with only his eyes betraying how Rose’s words had hurt him. “Would you rather have had me die?” he repeated. “Because that’s what would have happened. I know it’s not what you want to hear. But that’s the way it is. If it weren’t for the regeneration I’d still be lying on the floor of the control room. I’d be dead. And I wouldn’t be coming back.”

Rose’s stomach tightened. She hadn’t thought of that. She’d been so caught up in her emotions after the change that she hadn’t fully realised what would have happened if it hadn’t been for the regeneration. Just the idea of seeing her Doctor lying dead on the floor made her feel sick.

She glanced down, blinking away tears. “It’s just-” Her voice hitched. She paused for a moment and took a deep breath. “It’s just that I was trying so hard. To come back, I mean, to come save you. Even Mum was helping, and Mickey. You should have seen them. And I thought – if I could only get you back everything would be okay. And you were for a moment, and I was so glad, and then you – just changed. I mean, I know it’s still you, somehow, but I look at you, and I can’t-”

Her voice failed her. She took another shuddering breath, desperate to pull herself together.

The Doctor didn’t answer but began pacing up and down the room. Then, with a sudden burst of energy, he pulled up a chair and sat down in front of Rose. “I want you to do something for me, Rose.”

“What’s that?” Her voice was still a bit shaky, but more or less under control.

“Close your eyes.”

Rose shifted nervously. “Why?”

“Trust me.” He pulled his chair up closer to the bed. “Close your eyes, and picture me in your mind. As you knew me. Your Doctor.”

Rose looked away. “I can’t. I don’t-”

“Just try. Please.”

She hesitated, and then, reluctantly, shut her eyes. She felt the Doctor take her hands into his, and she tensed in spite of herself. “Sorry,” she said. “It’s just – your hands. They’re so different.”

“I know.” The Doctor paused for a moment. “Now breathe deeply. Clear your mind, and try to picture me in your mind’s eye, as I used to be.”

Rose furrowed her brow in concentration and tried to imagine that it was her Doctor in the room with her, but her mind refused to cooperate. “I can’t do it,” she muttered.

“You can do it, Rose, I know it. You remember my face, don’t you? I was quite handsome, you know, with my big ears-”

“You’re ears weren’t that big,” Rose interrupted, a small smile slipping across her face.

“Medium sized ears then. What about my nose?”

“Medium sized nose,” Rose answered. “Big smile.” As she spoke the tension slowly left her body, and the picture of her Doctor began forming in her mind. She took a deep breath and continued. “I love the way you can smile in every situation, no matter how bad things are. And I love your jacket, and how you always insist on wearing it wherever we go. And those wrinkles-”

“What wrinkles?”

“The wrinkles on your forehead, when you smile or when you’re surprised, or worried, or angry. And your eyes-” Rose paused for a moment, searching for the right words. “You’re eyes are so – old somehow. Not bad old, just - I mean you don’t look 900. But your eyes - when I look into them it feels like I can almost see it – the past, all those hundreds of years. And then, all of a sudden, they’re so young, like the eyes of a child.” Rose fell silent, gazing at the face of her Doctor that was now smiling at her in her mind’s eye.

The Doctor gave her time before he finally spoke. “I would like to tell you a story.”

“Hmm?” Rose didn’t open her eyes.

“Do you know the Little Prince?”

“What prince?”

“The book. The Little Prince.”

“Oh. Yeah, I know it. Sort of anyway. Read it in school.”

“Do you remember any of it?”

Rose shook her head. “Not much. Just that drawing of the snake that ate an elephant. And the rose, you know, because of my name.”

“That’s right. The little prince has a rose to take care of as well.”

Rose imagined a thoughtful look appearing on her Doctor’s face. “So what were you going to tell me?” she asked.

“Right. The little prince, you see, lives on a distant planet – not even a planet, really, more like an asteroid. But one day he leaves his home and travels through the universe, all on his own. He doesn’t have any friends, except for the rose, and she’s still back on his asteroid.

“But on Earth he meets this fox. He’s wild at first, won’t let the little prince touch him. But then he teaches the little prince how to tame him, how to become his friend.”

Rose rested her head on her knees and listened intently with her eyes still closed, not quite sure where the Doctor was heading.

“But the day draws near when the little prince has to part,” the Doctor continued. “And the fox tells him that he is going to cry. The little prince doesn’t understand – why tame someone, why become someone’s friend when parting causes so much pain?”

The Doctor paused, his soft breathing the only sound in the silence that now hung in the room.

“It is because of the wheat field, the fox explains. Before he knew the prince, a wheat field had no meaning for him. But now the colour of the grain will always remind him of the little prince and his golden hair. The little prince is now unique in the world.

“And as the little prince says goodbye to his friend, the fox gives him a gift – a great secret:

‘Il est très simple : on ne voit bien qu’avec le coeur. L’essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.’ ”

Rose lifted her head but did not open her eyes. “I don’t speak French,” she said hesitantly. “It is French, isn’t it?”

The Doctor smiled in her mind’s eye. “Yes, it’s French. This is what the fox tells him-

‘It is very simple: you can only see truly with the heart. What is essential is invisible to the eye’.”

He paused, letting his words sink in. Then Rose felt him gently squeeze her hands. “This is just a shell, Rose. It’s still me. I’m still your Doctor.”

Rose swallowed hard, fighting back the tears that were welling up in her eyes. But it was too late. She started shaking silently, tears streaming down her cheeks.

“Come here.” The Doctor kneeled down on the bed and pulled Rose into a tight embrace. She wrapped her arms around him, sobbing into his shoulder, tears running down his leather jacket.

They sat there, together, the Doctor gently stroking her hair, and Rose clinging onto the man she thought she’d lost.

After the flow of tears had stopped and Rose’s breathing had calmed, the Doctor released her from the embrace and cradled her face in his hands. “Now open your eyes.”

Rose flinched. “I can’t. I don’t-"

She heard the Doctor slip off his jacket and felt him put it around her shoulders. “Open your eyes, Rose Tyler. Open your eyes, and look at me.”

Rose hugged the leather jacket but still didn’t look.

The Doctor took her face in his hands. “A new beginning,” he said.

Slowly, Rose opened her eyes.

“A new beginning,” she said.